Funny Why Should We Pick You Answers
If there's one thing that can reduce most people to a nervous, chattering mess, it's a job interview. There's just something about the entire nature of the situation that can strike fear into even the bravest hearts and leave industry veterans anxious and twitchy. The strange, unanswerable questions, the feeling that you're being judged, the fate of your livelihood resting on your ability to talk about your greatest weakness in a way that doesn't make you look like an arrogant d-bag or an incompetent twit? If we had the chance, most of us would never interview for another job, like, ever again.
But inevitably, interview season hits all of us at one point or another. In the masses of tips and tricks that the internet has to offer for surviving this occupational trial-by-fire, it's easy to get overwhelmed. But while some people will get through their interviews without even so much as a stray "um" or a hair out of place, others just can't help themselves. Here are twenty smart-ass interview answers for those moments when you realize that you've already blown this opportunity anyway.
20 Short term, long term
Technically, dude, it does answer the question. This is the answer of a candidate with some real certainty in their life. They might not know where they're going, or even where they'd like to go, but at least they've got solid plans for their next two meals. Sure, a traditional employer might be looking for someone with a little more consideration for the future, but that should never detract from the value of a person who is so clearly living in the present!
This isn't a candidate that will be browsing wanted ads from other companies or stabbing their fellow employees in the backs for a chance at a promotion. The backbone of any industry is the kind of person who's totally happy wherever they are (as long as there's time for a midday sandwich break). If anything, the worst you can expect from this employee is to catch them daydreaming about their lunch plans, and there's no shame in that.
19 Honest is the best policy...
Perhaps "ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies," isn't the most savvy mindset to enter an interview with, but what this candidate lacks in good sense, they make up for with unadulterated honesty. Here's someone who you can trust not to lie when they're on the job for you—hell, they can't even lie when it's in their best interest to! In a world where this kind of candor is a dying notion, this is the kind of candidate to jump on while they're still in your office and sober—because if you don't snatch them up, someone smarter is going to.
"Work hard, play harder," is all that gets many individuals through a high pressure work week. This individual is just laying it all out on the table: the malt liquor, the thug lyfe pose, the 420-blaze-it. This is a candidate who's willing to admit to your face what all your other employees are inevitably doing behind your back.
18 Staying hungry
Why else does anyone work, really? So maybe this candidate doesn't exactly find selling advertisement spaces on cheaply-produced foam fingers to be like, y'know, their life calling or whatever. But if that's what you're looking for in an employee, you need to sit back and ask yourself for a second: what kind of person does? Do you really trust the kind of man who wakes up every morning and thinks, "Woah, I cannot wait to make seventy phone calls to disinterested potential clients today!"? Do you? Do you really?
The person who's coming to work so that they can afford food is a person you can trust to do the one thing you absolutely need an employee to do: show up to work. That ultra-passionate foam finger guy's interests could shift to buying vintage baseball cards or building a time machine in his mom's basement next week, but this candidate? Well, it's not like they're going to stop needing to eat anytime soon.
17 Pure ambition
Ambition should always be rewarded in the workplace, and what's not to like about a little showmanship? A candidate who comes into an interview with a full-length song and dance routine is a candidate who truly understands the phrase "preparing for an interview." Do you have any idea how long it takes to fully choreograph an entire routine, let alone pair it to the perfect music? You're looking at a candidate here who knows how to commit, and that enthusiasm is sure to get them far.
This here is a candidate who knows what they want and isn't afraid to show it. Or sing it. Or, in all likelihood, twerk to it. Can your office even handle that kind of confidence? Do you feel threatened? Because you should. And you should love every minute of it.
16 A highly talented individual
Perhaps the average interview candidate will show up with a few more qualifications than this, but consider: sleep is the backbone of our society. Without it, our entire social system would fall to ruin. And sure, the other candidates might have fancy degrees, impressive references, and incredible internships, but what does any of that matter if they're not sleeping properly? No amount of training or experience is worth a lick if you're dealing with a cranky, exhausted employee instead of a delightfully rested one.
This person isn't selling themselves short; they're establishing a baseline. They know what they're about, and they're implying that beyond that, anything is possible. Consider the kind of potential that could build off a longstanding history of regular, healthy sleep! Under the right kind of supervision, this is a candidate who will go far.
15 A special set of skills
Picture the scene: you're sitting in your office, sloughing through what's looking like a slush pile of disappointing resumes and dead ends. It's been a long day, and it's sure to only get longer.
"What can you bring to this company?" you ask yet another applicant.
They say nothing in return. Instead, you watch them open their mouth slightly, poke out their little pink tongue, and do... that.
"You're hired," you tell them immediately. That's the coolest sh*t you've ever seen. How did they do that? Can they teach you, too? In a world of boring, cardboard cutout answers and mumbled half-truths, this is an individual who has brought something truly fascinating to the table. Well done, kid. Way to think outside the box.
14 Questionable credentials
In this new technological world we live in, certain credentials can come out of nowhere while meaning everything, depending on your job. High schoolers with an insane number of Twitter followers might find themselves well-suited for a job in online marketing or social media management, while pretty girls on Instagram can find easy work in advertising and product placement. So when it comes to these new frontiers of the job market, it's only reasonable to work with what you've got...
Say, for example, you list off that you were once the admin for a Whatsapp group. Have you ever seen a Whatsapp group in action? The admins for those things need to be level-headed. They need to be masters of situational de-escalation. They need to know the right emoji for the right time, every time, dammit! Some heroes don't wear capes; some heroes spend their free time settling arguments about which of Rory's Gilmore Girls boyfriends was the most bangable—and there's a skill that really translates.
13 All the right assets
There are just some skills that you can't replicate. So when you hire your next housekeeper or secretary, do you want someone with respectable references and an eye for detail... or do you want someone whose tea-serving abilities are so sick, even your most uptight guests will be throwing their hands in the air and going, "WOAH! GNARLY, DUDE!"
Some might see this kind of thing as more of a frat-house party trick, less of an actual skill, but you know what? Screw those people. They can go eat their teabags and argue about the correct boiling temperature to brew Earl Grey at. Meanwhile, we'll be over here marvelling at the kind of precision it takes to get the perfect amount of tea to land perfectly in that tiny little cup—amazing.
12 Get bent, Karen
We're not trying to sound cold-hearted here or anything, but in the career world, you've gotta be ruthless. This ain't the marines, Karen. You can't run a 5k in your work heels—you're gonna get left behind. There's no room for weak ankles in the corporate jungle, Karen. If you can't show up in some sensible shoes, this team is going to go on without you.
We've all been a Karen at one point or another, either metaphorically speaking or literally laying on the breakroom floor, screaming for help while our tibia protrudes from our lower leg and knowing all the while that no one is coming to save us. It builds character. Don't worry, she'll be okay.
11 Fake it 'til you make it
Self-help gurus across the globe will tell you over and over again that confidence is everything... and this moment is the ultimate test. When you sense the slightest bit of weakness in your interviewer's game, it's time to break out this stunner: can you actually, through sheer force of arrogance, hire yourself?
Projecting confidence is one of the most important things an aspiring interviewee can do to stack the deck in their favor, but this? This is a total game-changer. The corporate world won't know what hit it, but even if it doesn't work, you'll still have made your mark as the owner of the biggest pair of cojones in the room.
10 Feeling pretty mis-tweeted right now
We've all tweeted some stuff we regret. No one's denying that. At any given time, any human with a twitter account is one shot of tequila or one bad pun away from tweeting something that will haunt them for the rest of their lives, ruin their relationships, and destroy their careers.
So, knowing that, we're only faced with one option: we've gotta really make that one tweet count.
Forget your unintelligent racist cracks and unoriginal, "Woman, make me a sandwich" quips for a moment and consider: if one terrible joke is going to ruin your life, don't you want that terrible joke to be literally the worst joke of all time? You can be midly offensive and live on in infamy... or you can rise above the unwashed, hashtagging masses and you can become a god.
9 "My mom says I'm cool"
Not everyone enjoys the unrestrained confidence that some of our job-having fellow humans are able to project. But when all else fails, at least there's always one authority figure who thinks we're great: that's right, dear old Mom is always there to save the day. Whether we just need to hear that we're doing a good job for trying our best or we need someone to verify that yeah, that teeth whitening routine really has enhanced our smile, Mom has always been there to reaffirm that we're totally awesome... even when we know we're probably not.
If we were smart, Mom would always be our first reference for any job we apply for. Former employers might not have understood us, and former coworkers might have been jealous of our charms... but when it comes to really talking us up to someone we need to impress, Mom's our #1 gal.
8 Fluffing your resume
Serious question here for a second: what kind of monster sees cute dog pictures and doesn't feel their heart totally melt? If you're looking to dissolve an entire office in to baby talk and heartfelt "d'aww-ing," whip out the puppy pics. Don't be shy. Anyone who says that they don't want to see cute pictures of adorable dogs is a) lying, and b) doesn't sound like the kind of person we want in our lives.
So, maybe puppies aren't traditionally considered 'resume material'... but who even decided that, anyway? Someone pretty unfun, if we had to hazard a guess. You can tell a lot about a person by what kind of dog pictures they think are the absolute cutest! Is this candidate more of an "excited husky can't wait to go outside" employee, or an "I drew suspicious eyebrows on my dog because I have no shame," kind of person?
7 Straight talk
There are interview questions that seem appropriate for the situation, like, "What is your greatest workplace strength?" or "Can you manage to show up to this building for approximately 40 hours ever week?"
Then, there are questions that get, y'know, a little too personal—"When was the last time your father made you cry?" or "If you had to murder me using only the instruments available to you in this room, how would you live with the guilt of your actions?" For those ones, we'll hope our snarky response lands us some sort of laughter (and a job).
6 Work hard, party harder
Some people dream of climbing the corporate ladder, becoming CEOs and CFOs and president of this and vice-chancellor of that. But if everyone was like that, any given company would be in danger of its own employee base tearing the place apart with the sheer power of their combined ambitions! It's good to have a few people around who are just looking for the simpler things in life: to do a good job, then use the money from that job for material gain.
What? It's the American dream, man! Get with the times. If anyone says that they're not working, at least in part, to get that sweet, sweet green, then they're lying. If that was the case, everyone would be okay working for free! And unpaid internships aside, if your employees aren't blowing their paychecks on frivolous items after every paycheck, you can only assume they're converting their paychecks to gold and burying it like a pirate. Weird.
5 This guy can hack it
If there's anyone who's truly suited for ensuring your internet security, it's the guy who's already figured out how to dismantle it, right? But the real curiousity here is... what kind of company has a real position called "Computer Hacking Investigator?" How many times has this happened? Are they like, okay?
Unless you're running some kind of cybercrime defense business or you're a top-secret taskforce of a major world government, you might need to consider a thing: the person that you're hiring to investigate the ongoing hacking of your company's computer system very well might be the reason you needed to create that position to begin with. And while we're all for creating your own job and paving your way in the world... ah, shucks, who are we to tell you what to do with your company? While you're at it, we know a very wealthy Nigerian prince who could probably use your help...
4 Pun-ctuality is key
Throw out everything you know about the hiring process immediately and consider this sick alternative: all candidates, from here on out, are judged solely by their proficiency for career-related puns. All the doctors of the world henceforth need to know the exact moment to whip out that "funny bone" quip for maximum comedic timing, and firefighters? Yeah, you're going to need to brush up on your wordplay before you even think about whipping out those hoses, boys.
We want to live in a world where word-based humor isn't just something you groan at when your weird coworker comes up with another office supply-themed pun; we want to live in a world where that ability is the sole reason they were hired. A better world. A more colorful world. A world with a little more... pun-ch to it.
...We'll see ourselves out.
3 A lawsuit waiting to happen
It's not that we're a bunch of desperate hoes or anything. It's not that we can't control ourselves. It's just: why would any company in their right minds take what's guaranteed to be a deeply uncomfortable interview scenario and make us sit in front of an incredibly attractive interviewer for the whole of it? Seriously, guys, just feed us the, "We'll be in touch" line that you definitely don't mean now.
There's a pretty good chance that, awkward as we are, we're going to botch any interview we get anyway. But if you want to bump that chance up to a solid 100%? Sit us in front of a handsome interviewer and watch us crash and burn like the sadist you are.
2 The only reason anyone should ever need
Okay, fine. Theoretically, we get it: a company wants to hire the kind of employee that is reliable, dependable, competent, and trustworthy. Maybe they're looking for someone with a specific skill-set, an education of some sort, or just a really dazzling smile when you ask the customer, "Do you want fries with that?"
But in the moment of the interview, when we're all slowly losing it, question after question, bit by bit, there's a moment when desperation sets in. You're a person who needs a job. They're a job that needs a person. If this was a rom-com, you would have already been making out on a rooftop and going for a carriage ride in Central Park already! Don't be such a prude, dream career. Can't you just like, chill out and just give this to us already?
We're sure that any given hiring department has to deal with people with this mindset daily, but like, it's not a difficult one to reach. Sometimes, we want a job so badly, we forget to consider that hey, so does everyone else. The difference is, we're certifiably incredible, we always smell nice, and there's only a 20% chance or so that we're going to steal stray french fries from the fry station in between customers.
...Okay. A 30% chance. What? Not everybody is perfect, and our greatest workplace weakness? Definitely the munchies, hands down.
1 So smooth, they probably moon-walked out of there
We deeply, desperately hope that this story is true. In a world of bumbled interview answers, mid-interview wardrobe malfunctions, clammy handshakes, and walking into the office with lunch still stuck between our teeth, we need this. We all need this. This individual may have single-handedly redeemed the entire human race with one comeback so smooth, so perfect, so quick, and so witty that it almost seems too good to possibly be real.
Where most of us would have awkwardly laughed at best, or at worst, just freaking cried, this individual is responsible for one of the greatest saves of all time. This was so smooth, it makes centuries-old oak aged whiskey taste rough. This was so smooth, it makes Channing Tatum look like the pizza-faced dude you turned down for a dance at your senior prom. This was so smooth, if that company didn't hire them on the spot, we'd eat our own shoes.
Source: https://www.thethings.com/20-hilarious-interview-answers-you-need-in-your-life/
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